Let me preface this by saying that I am mostly just rambling and making a sad blog post.
I had been seeing someone for 2+ months. We weren’t exclusive and really, it was more friends with benefits. I was a fling. Deep down, I knew that, but I wanted so badly to believe that I could be more.
Well! That’s not how things turned out to be lol. I had gotten close to this guy and had grown attached, clearly. I talked to them nearly every day and we talked about our lives. We got to know each other. They would tell me that they liked me. Blah blah blah. I liked the attention. I like being validated because often times, I can’t do it for myself. Don’t tell me that I need to learn how because it’s hard and it’s not like I’m not trying.
So anyways. I stayed the night with this guy one day and I THOUGHT that it went well. Or actually, maybe it did go well. Idk. I can’t even tell anymore.
A couple days later, they were telling me of how they had extreme social issues growing up and how it has taken them a long time to try to get better. I got comfortable, I guess, and I trusted them and so I told them that I struggle with bipolar ii disorder. I began with telling them that I was nervous to tell them and how this wasn’t like how it’s portrayed in media.
They said it was ok. And that they understood, as they also struggle/struggled with mental illness. So I thought we were all good. And then I noticed that they slowly started distancing themselves. And god damn, did that hurt. I know we were never a thing. Not officially. But I had really grown close to them. It really hurts knowing that my mental illness has yet again, pushed someone away. It hurts knowing that it maybe wasn’t even my fault. I don’t think I was being crazy or anything. I really just think that knowing this scared them away.
I’m really sad. My last relationship before this ended because I was doing really badly because of my mental illness. This partner would say that this “wasn’t an excuse.” The relationship I had with Molly grew volatile both because of her addiction and also because of how codependent I was. I was spiraling out of control. Before Molly, I dated someone that broke up with me because I would cancel our plans too often because I felt sick. I really did feel sick. It was often because of how fucking depressed I was. They said that it didn’t make sense that I was sick so often and that it was medically impossible.
I dunno, man. I feel so fucking hopeless and worthless. I read an article a while back that said that those with bipolar disorder often don’t get better but rather, their symptoms get worse and happen more frequently over time. Can you believe that? I’m already doing horribly and I’m destined to get worse.
I feel terrible. I feel so, so bad knowing that this was because of my bipolar. And if only I hadn’t disclosed that. But I trusted them. Am I really to blame? I feel so fucking stupid though.
I have the tendency to cut ties with someone if I feel like I am going to get hurt. And that’s exactly what I did. It’s a bad habit. But I protect myself that way, to an extent. I wish so badly that they would try talking to me again like they did before. But they only send the occasional text and even then, I feel so upset that I don’t even reply. But I find myself checking their social media to see if they’re doing things. They are. As if I didn’t even matter. And I guess I didn’t.
Uuugghhhhhh. UGH!! I’m so annoyed, angry, sad, frustrated, etc. I wish I was normal. Or more normal than I am. This sucks.