Lately

The suicidal thoughts are back.

Honestly, I always have suicidal thoughts. There is no day that I don’t have them. But they are feeling very intense lately, and aren’t just “wow everything fucking sucks, I wish I was dead” fleeting thoughts. They’re more like, “you’re worthless and no one even likes you. You’re always going to be alone and there is no point in even moving forward.”

I feel very lonely and I have started to isolate again. I have started to push people away again. I hate myself and I don’t want people seeing me like this. But I also want validation and I want reassurance. 

I feel so fucked up lately lol I don’t know how to fix these feelings. I do everything I’m “supposed” to. I go to therapy regularly, I see my psychiatrist,  I don’t forget to take my meds, I exercise, I eat all right. Like..? I just want to be fixed. 

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