So, I went on a date today. It’s the first date I’ve been on since Molly and I broke up. She is still in jail.
The person was really cool and we had been talking online/over text for quite some time and it felt like we were really hitting it off? I dunno. They would tell me I was cute and how they wanted to kiss me and blahblah.
Then, we hung out and I don’t know if we both just got really nervous but it was not a good first date. We walked around the city for a bit and went to eat and that was fine and cool, and we were getting along. THEN, we went back to their dorm room and just watched Netflix. Now, I was sort of looking forward to this because they said the night before that they wanted to cuddle so there I was like SO ANXIOUS. And we didn’t. We ended up watching six episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That’s three hours of just watching tv. Until I was sort of like, “fuck this isn’t working out and nothing is happening and this isn’t going the way I pictured AT ALL.”
So I ended up just saying I was going to go and then I cried in the parking structure. Then I went to Target and cried in the parking lot for an hour before going in to buy some chocolate lol. Then, the whole drive home (which is an hour) I cried.
I cried BECAUSE it had been my first date since Molly and I broke up. I was pretty into them and so that was disappointing. But what was most disappointing is that I really just wanted to feel wanted. I really wanted to feel like I was still likable and lovable. So when it didn’t work out I was just like “fuck, it’s never going to work out for me.”
Anyway, I had driven to a friends house and just completely cried to her telling her how fucking pathetic and ugly I felt. She comforted me and encouraged me to text them again because I had been pretty into them (though we were both not wanting anything serious).
I ended up texting them later apologizing, and telling them that I wasn’t being myself and if they wanted to try it again. They agreed but said that it would have to be after finals because they’re really busy. That would sound reasonable, right? Finals are over next week I assume. They go to a different college than I do but that’s when my finals end so I feel like they would end around the same time.
I felt fine and good and happy and relieved in that moment that they had texted ack that they would like to give it another change.
BUT THEN.. that’s when the fire nation attacked
No, seriously, that’s when my OCD started kicking in. I started analyzing every text we had sent each other and what had happened during the date. I realized, oh my god? I was the one that asked them out… and then I felt pathetic again lol. I know that they are a really nice person and are probably not lying about wanting to hang out after final, but because my OCD twists things around in my mind, I’m also thinking “they probably just said that so that I would forget about them and we won’t go out again.”
I know that sometimes dates don’t work out. I know this. I know that not every single date I go on will be good. And honestly, I have experienced dates in the past where they weren’t good, but we still stayed friends. I feel like I’m beating myself up more over this because I’m trying to fill the empty space in my heart that Molly once filled.
I’m not looking for a rebound. I just want to feel wanted again.