I wish I was still in a relationship where both of us were growing, learning, happy. With Molly (Jami changed her name to Molly), so many things go through my mind. We have not been together for a while. When I told my therapist that I had broken up with Molly, she basically jumped with joy. Because she knew that I was really draining myself for Molly. But I still ache inside.
The last time I saw Molly was on Valentine’s Day. I drove two hours to go see her. The entire time, she didn’t really seem like she wanted to be with me. She said that she was tired.. But I was tired too. I drive for so long to go see her. I tried cheering her up in some ways, or to get her to be more enthusiastic. I did her makeup and her. Still, it seemed like she didn’t care that I was there. Frustrated, I told her that I was just going to go since it seemed like she didn’t want me there. She said ok. I asked her if she was going to walk me to my car, and she just let out a huge groan. As if it is a chore to be with me. I left angrily. The next day, she walked a mile to go buy inhalants.
I had told her two days later that I would be cutting her out of my life.
That I needed to focus on myself.
Well, that hasn’t been going as planned. I was pulled back in (I let myself be pulled back in) and fell back into the cycle of worrying about her 24/7.
So that’s where I’m at. Having a sliver of hope for the future, and wanting her to be ok.
But she’s in jail right now because she abused inhalants in public. And no one even told me until I asked.
Side note: I found out today that not even an hour had passed from when I told Molly I was cutting her off that she made a tinder and an okcupid. So while I was being a fucking stupid idiot, crying and mourning over a failed relationship, she didn’t even care and was looking for someone new.
So many of Molly’s friends will probably read this and think, “Monica is such a bitch. Why is she leading Molly on.” But I’m really not. They have no idea what it means to love someone with an addiction. An addiction so deadly. It is constantly trying to comfort someone who is high, even though they’re calling you names and even though they’re texting other people, telling them what a bad person you are. It is trying to calm them down when they’re suddenly angry at you, convinced you’re trying to kill them. It is being pulled into the, “yes, I promise I will try to get better.” And trying to believe it. Because you know that at one time, they could keep that promise (though you damn well know they aren’t able to now). It’s always having a sliver of hope that they will get better, even though everything seems so hopeless.
You could think I’m a bitch for saying that Molly isn’t trying as hard as she could. You could say I’m a bitch for saying that she isn’t making an attempt.
But, sure, she says she wants to go to rehab again. But rehab is not a bubble to protect you from the world. You only go to rehab to learn crucial skills. There is a big difference between going to rehab and using the skills you have learned, and going to rehab and expecting everything to be ok and fixed automatically when you get out. Which do you think has been going on?
At one time, Molly and I were hopelessly in love. Growing and basking in each other’s light. Pushing each other to be better people.
But it isn’t like that anymore. And it hurts to admit it. It feels more like one person is bearing the weight of the other, trying to help them get better, even when they have no interest in doing so.
It is no ones fault but mine for draining myself for Molly. I am not obligated to do so. But because I care about her so much and because we had been together for so long, it felt like I needed to. In my heart, it felt like there was still a chance at a viable, healthy relationship.
But here we are. Here.