I got into an accident pt 2

I feel very weird about my car accident. 

It feels very surreal. Almost like it didn’t happen because I know it shouldn’t have happened and I think, “how could this have happened to me?”
The car I had was a graduation present. I’ve had it for three years. It was very expensive.
I know that these are material things and that the good thing is that I’m alive but damn, that doesn’t take away the feeling of being a burden to my parents.
They were still paying off my car. Now we don’t know if we will even get how much we have left to owe back when we sell the car. 
I feel very disappointed in myself because I could have perhaps done something different. Actually, I know I could have. I could have hit the deer. Then my car wouldn’t be so fucked and even if it was, the insurance would cover it.
But I always find some way to fuck things up, even if not intentionally.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I remember on the drive back, I was mad at my parents for something stupid. I was mad at them because they didn’t want me to drive back late. I told them that I was a good driver and that nothing had ever happened to me before.
Well. I sure ate my words that night.
I remember thinking how controlling my parents are and I was sort of thinking of some way to reassure my independence.
Now, all I want is to be under my parents care and do everything they want me to do. I don’t want to make remarks anymore.
I want to spend time with my family before something happens again, if something happens again.
I feel scared. I have to drive to class on that same highway I crashed on, tomorrow. 
I keep thinking of the moment when my car lost control and I sob uncontrollably. 
I keep thinking to the few seconds when everything happened. I lost perception of time but I think that the whole accident happened in less than a minute. 
I feel very grateful to be alive. So much so that it really feels like a miracle to be alive. So much so, that I believe that God had something to do with it.
I consider myself agnostic, meaning, I believe that there might be a god out there but because I have no definite proof, I don’t like to say I believe in a god.
However, I don’t know now how I feel in terms of my spirituality. It feels like I SHOULD believe in God because it feels like something did save me.
My car was in the middle of both lanes when everything was done and I was inside, in shock. 
A car behind me stopped to help me. They told me what to do. They were very nice. They offered me food, drink and if I wanted to sit in their car with the heater on. But I didn’t want to because I was just in shock. 
Those same people in the car, along with someone else that stopped, helped me move my car to the side of the road. 
A semi stopped traffic and helped me and the other woman (in a different vehicle that DID end up hitting the deer) that was in trouble. 
I can’t help but think that those people were like guardian angels to me. Because I had no knowledge of what to do. I put my warning lights on after being able to comprehend what just happened, I texted my girlfriend, and I called my parents. And I stayed in the car and cried. But they helped me with what I needed to do. I would not have known otherwise. I even forgot to call 911 until they told me to.
I feel very lucky because what if I was next to a semi, they would have killed me because what if I rolled under their truck. Or what if there was a drunk driver. Or what if there was someone that tried to take advantage of me while I was in a vulnerable position.
I really feel very blessed to be alive and well.
I don’t know who to talk to about these feelings because I feel like no one will take me seriously. It will seem like a joke to them.


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