Everything happens for a reason

I think back to a month ago when I was feeling suicidal and like my life was crashing down. And I think, damn. I was so wrong. I was so so wrong.Everyone always says –or at least in the movies they do –that things have to get worse before they get better. 
I feel so content and good right now. I feel like how I think normal feels. And it’s such an overwhelming experience, it makes me cry because I have literally never felt this way.

If I wasn’t incredibly sad, I was incredibly angry, and if I wasn’t incredibly angry, I was incredibly happy. I was never experiencing emotions like I should have been.

And if I felt “normal” and “ok” it would only be for a split second. Because I would quickly get insecure and think that the world was out to get me.
I think back and I think. Geez. How did I ever make it through that? How did I ever have the energy to get up each day knowing that it was a constant battle against myself?
And if I’m being honest with myself, this break from Jamie has been good. I have codependent tendencies and I will worry about others more than I worry about myself. With Jamie’s addiction, it was really causing a heavy toll on myself. I was honestly just fucking myself up. And it makes me cry thinking about it, but if Jamie wasn’t going to get help I was going to have to let go. Because it was fucking me up so much.

I feel so incredibly blessed that Jamie decided to go get help. Even though I cry out of sadness from missing them every day, I know that it is for the best. And it really is. Jamie is also having a good time at rehab. And I’m glad that we will be able to build our future together.
Jamie is one of the only people I REALLY care about –one of the few people that I will really give it my all and drain myself just to see that they are ok. With this break, I have no other issues going on in my life currently that drain my energy. I have been able to focus on myself and the betterment of myself. I’m also learning to not be so codependent. I have really been learning how to take better care of myself.
And with school and how I had dropped out, I am signed up for fall classes. I am taking the courses I had dropped out of in the spring. But it doesn’t feel like other times. I honestly don’t feel burnt out like I used to and I don’t feel like my life is an endless routine. I am excited to do things and I am motivated. And that is such a good feeling because I had really been feeling burnt out since last year when I had graduated from community college. I did all that I could to receive two associates degrees. I took classes nonstop, even in the summer. And it just wore me down.

And then my accident happened and I would have panic attacks driving to school and even in my dreams.
It just feels so good to be able to go to my therapist and say, “hey, I’m feeling ok. I really, truly am.”
Everything always happens for a reason, I always say. Or at least in the movies they do.

I am not coping

I pass by the place where my car accident happened nearly every day. The school I go to is one hour away from I live so I travel two hours to and from school, total.

I remember where it happened. Milepost 57.

I got into an accident because of a deer.

I try to not think about it. I’m trying to get over this. But every time I pass by the location or even get on that same highway, I tense up and get anxious. I have to talk to myself and constantly remind myself, “you are ok, Monica.

You are here. You are ok. You are doing good.”

Coincidentally, today when I passed by milepost 57, there was a deer. 

I had a horrible panic attack right in that moment. I screamed and I cried and then I screamed some more. 

It turns out, I am not doing ok. I am not coping. I am not ok.