I have been doing OK overall since my post about my emotions (re: suicide hotline).
I have not been coping about my accident and I am currently trying to find a therapist but I am thinking I’m going to have to commute to the next city over to try to find someone. Everyone in my city is not taking new patients.
However, I have been doing all right besides that.
But.. I am cycling right now. It was apparent at first and I didn’t even notice it until yesterday but the way I was able to realize it, is because I have been functioning on very small amounts of sleep. In fact, just the other night, I did not sleep at all and I did not feel tired at all. So I recognize that I am cycling because of that.
It is weird to me.. “cycling.” I’m not quite sure how to tell the difference if I’m in a good mood or if I’m only in a good mood because I’m cycling. Sometimes I feel very fucked up and broken because I don’t feel normal. Normal, to me, would to be to not have a mental illness. TO ME. That’s how I would consider myself to be normal.
When I was first getting my depression diagnosis, and I had not yet learned that I was bipolar, I knew that my depression —“this —was not some temporary thing. My mom and my therapists would often tell me, “this won’t be forever. Someday, you might even not need medication!” But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t right. I knew that I would always need to have a therapist and medical resources available to me. I knew that I would never really be what I consider to be “normal.”
Two weeks ago, I had called the suicide hotline. I had one of those “emergency appointments” they make for you at the nearest counseling center. The counselor that saw me said that nearly 40% or the world has some kind of mental disorder. I didn’t see it as something reassuring. I did not see that fact as something to make me feel less alone. I saw it as feeling abnormal. I heard that and thought, “geez, I wish I was one of the other 60%”
With the suicide hotline, they had not helped me at all. They did not calm me down at all. They took my information and told me to come into a counseling center when it was business hours. Then, when I saw the counselor, he told me that he thought I was fine and to come in next week for a follow up appointment.
I had gone to this center before and in fact, this is where my favorite therapist worked. But she’s gone now as she moved to Kansas. I see everyone else at that counseling center as incompetent. Don’t they recognize that people who are depressed present themselves in a manner that makes it seem like they’re “ok”?
I feel very angry about that still. I feel angry because who else have they done it to besides me? Not everyone has the ability to be able to cam themselves down. Especially not after feeling like they have been invalidated.
I feel OK right now. But I wish that there were better resources in the world for when I don’t feel OK.