Well, not sometimes. Most of the time. It literally feels like I will never accomplish any of the things I want to accomplish.
I literally think of dying every single day, multiple times a day and that makes getting through the day so much harder. Knowing that I am not getting better but rather, getting worse, makes me feel so fucking hopeless.
Faltering in school because of constantly feeling suicidal and hopeless elevates these feelings so much more, too.
I feel like I will always be a burden on my parents, despite how badly I want to not be.
I feel like I got so far this school term. I have invested so much time and money into this school term, and it’s energy that I can honestly say “I tried.”
I literally had a high B the entire term up until last week. Then a C. I have an exam today and I’m not feeling good about it and use fucking knowing that I was doing so well and that this isn’t a result of me not trying, but a result of a mental illness makes me so fucking angry. It feels really unfair and it feels like everything got ripped away so quickly. It feels like all the effort I made was useless. And I can’t even say, “oh, well this will serve as a lesson for next time and now I know what I need to do differently” because I DIDN’T do anything wrong. I just got bad again. And that’s always unpredictable. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how much exercise I do, no matter how consistent I am with my meds and therapy I am, this is always going to be something that happens. This is always always always going to be an issue.
How can you succeed when the thing you need to fix is unfixable and unpredictable?