TW: SUICIDE

My two triggers for suicidal thoughts are school and my family (more specifically, my parents).
It hasn’t happened yet but I can feel the anxiety and nervousness in me boiling up. I can only take so much until I explode and do something harmful to myself.
I haven’t really had problems with binge eating or self harm ever since I got to the college. I have been good about using the resources available here to try to prevent myself from harming myself in any way. But I feel like I’m using up my resources and that everyone is getting tired of me –that I’m only making excuses as to why I’m not doing well in my classes. I’m trying SO HARD to catch up. This always happens to me. It is also my fault though. I have bad habits. I procrastinate too much because I know I can finish/accomplish things quickly. I overestimate how intelligent I am.
I have only shed a couple tears about the fact that I might have to take a medical withdrawal from ALL my classes. I literally spent $7,000+ this term for nothing on just tuition. I feel numb and I feel like a failure. I’m not sure if I’m just bottling up my feelings.
I’m scared for the moment when my feelings aren’t bottled up anymore. How soon will it be? When can I expect it?
Everything is such a mess.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s