Jamie arrived at rehab eight days ago. I went to Mexico nine days ago and arrived home two days ago.
It was easier to stand to not talk to her when I was in Mexico.
I think, that so much of my depression and so much of depression itself is being left alone with your thoughts.
When I was in Mexico, I was constantly doing things. There wasn’t a moment where I was left alone. I was constantly doing things with my family —snorkeling, zip lining, laying by the beach. Sure, there would be moment where I would think, “damn, I miss Jamie a lot.” but it wasn’t to the point where I would cry. I didn’t feel the depression at all when I was in Mexico. and it wasn’t like the times where I’m cycling and I’m feeling good because I’m on a high rather than a low. I felt normal. I felt like how someone is supposed to feel.
But now I’m at home, with nothing to do and I am alone. I am alone and everything reminds me of Jamie and it is hard to not cry and break down several times a day. The sadness is overwhelming.
and I think, “shut the fuck up, Monica. This is what you wanted. You wanted Jamie to get better. Now shut the fuck up and deal with it.”
and I know that Jamie isn’t just off doing something “bad” and I know that we are still very much together. I know that Jamie is gone because they have an addiction and they are trying to get better. But I just feel so alone. I wish I could even talk to them. But yesterday was our anniversary and we haven’t talked in eight days.
I make myself sick with worry.
I feel very selfish. I am very selfish. But I always have been. But wouldn’t anyone else feel the same?
I ask myself, “how much more can you take?”