I grew up thinking, “love conquers all.”
But that isn’t the case with drug addiction.
I grew up naive, and sheltered. A closeted queer brown girl in a predominantly white neighborhood.
I talk to my therapist about my girlfriend’s addiction. and she asks me, “are they different in any way? has their personality changed?”
And that’s the hard part. Because they haven’t. They’re still the exact same person they were as when I first started dating them.
And it’s hard because if they were any different, it would be easy to let them go. It would be easy to forget about them. It would be easy to cut contact.
But it’s not like that. And i’m still so hopelessly in love. Hoping and praying every day that things will get better.
It’s like I have a cut. and as it is healing, everything is fine. scar tissue is building up. But it keeps being cut open and healing and then cut again. an endless cycle. That is the best description I could give of my girlfriend’s addiction.
She abuses, and then goes for a couple days without doing it. Everything is good and perfect in those days. We will even see each other and it is normal. But then she relapses. And it hurts so fucking bad.
Scar tissue on my heart.
My therapist asks, “what do you think is causing you harm? why do you think you’re depressed and what are your stressors?”
I answer with my family, school, my body issues. But i can’t bring myself to say that Jamie is causing me harm. I can’t bring myself to even mutter the words under my breath.
Everything is excruciatingly painful when you’re not only losing grasp and losing control of your own life, but also losing grasp of the person you love most.