Life Right Now…

Has been very hectic. I am constantly working overtime, and even coming right after class on my days off, when I have school, so that I can get more hours. I didn’t really get financial aid assistance and taking out more loans makes me super nervous. I have a loan that I had taken out in 2014 for when I went to university and it was a lot. I obviously didn’t continue going to that university and honestly, I feel super guilty about that loan all the time because my dad cosigned for it. At one point, I felt really depressed and suicidal over it. But, I couldnt actually harm myself since my dad cosigned and if I wasn’t alive, then he would have to taken on my burden and that would make me feel worse.

ANYWAYS.

I’ve been working a lotttttt. I am part time but I am working hours that make me closer to full-time…without the benefits. I also took on too many credits for school. Last term I was taking 9, with just anatomy and chemistry and it was really hard. I took on 15 this term because two of those classes are sociology classes. I took them on because they seemed like easy courses and I really need my GPA to be higher. And they are easy. But it is extra work and it takes longer to finish than I had anticipated. So that’s going on as well.

I honestly haven’t had any time to be with friends, but I really try to squeeze someone in if I really want to see them. I went on a date the other day and it went good.. I think. It was someone that I had been talking to since literally September. But I had been seeing that dumb guy from before until last month and because I was so into him, I didn’t try to make time to meet anyone else. It went well, I think. He said he wants to hang out again. He was nice.

Speaking about the dumb guy.. I had been seeing him since early September and literally stopped talking to him the last day of 2016. At the time, I didn’t have the intention of never talking to him again. But then he wouldn’t text me first.. and because I feel like I often text people first all the time, I didn’t want to do it again. Needless to say, up to this day, I still have not received the first text I wanted. I definitely felt hurt in the beginning, and very angry. I still feel upset to be honest. I am more at peace with the fact that we aren’t seeing each other and I don’t wish him any harm and have no ill feelings. But I guess it just isn’t a good feeling just to be dropped like that, you know?
I guess I should consider it a blessing in disguise, since I was so stupidly infatuated and he wasn’t and would take advantage of it. I deleted him from my phone contacts. I have yet to delete him on social media but have only allowed myself until the end of the month to mourn the whole shebang. One more day until I force myself to amputate this dead relationship. It doesn’t feel very good because this isn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I think it’s a little funny because in late December, I had mentioned to him that I think it’s nice that we stayed friends and were constantly talking.. he had agreed.

I’m talking to two other people right now, besides the guy I went on a date with. I haven’t met either of them yet. I am supposed to be hanging out with one of them sometime soon. The other day, they told me that they “like” me, and they meant it in a way that is beyond platonic and beyond puppy love feelings I think. He is on the older side, and I get the impression that he is just lonely. It is obviously just infatuation. Saying that though, makes me feel a little bad. Because I clearly get infatuated so fucking easily. I guess we’ll see how things go.
I just started talking to the other guy and he seems cool and interesting. He is closer to my age. I don’t know enough about him to really say if I like him or now (jk, didn’t I just say I get infatuated really easily?)

 

I’ve been pretty stable for a while, too. I can honestly say that I haven’t had serious suicidal thinking in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. The last time I felt really bad and suicidal way probably the end of last school-term. So.. early December? I guess it just feels like I long time because I have a breakdown literally every single month. But I’ve been doing all right. Maybe I’m just keeping myself busy enough that I don’t even really have time for those kinds of thoughts. On that note, I am proud of myself for relatively keeping on top of all of my responsibilities. I have not fallen behind in homework or in my courses yet. I’m definitely struggling with chemistry and anatomy, as they are my hardest classes. I actually have an anatomy exam later today, which I don’t feel too great about. But I know that I haven’t invested enough time in that class and that it is just a matter of studying more. I’m not feeling amazing but I’m not feeling terrible. I’m also not just miserably pushing through each day. I’m just…ok.

 

So! That’s life right now. I’m drowning in homework and adore the attention I’m receiving. What’s new?