Today, I had a therapy appointment.
I like my therapist, I do. But there are vast differences between us. Not that that’s bad, but it shows in our sessions.
Our cultural differences, for example. She always seems surprised at how I can keep my romantic relationships separate from my family. Like, almost a secret. I have to do this because although my parents know I am not straight, they want to be in denial and think that what I am doing is just a phase, and that I am doing it to “get back at them for something.” And so, I make the conscious decision to not talk to them about anything in regards to my romantic relationships. My therapist thinks that this is weird and that it is weird how I don’t feel resentful or bitter towards them because of it. She finds it weird that I can still have a good relationship with my parents while they also don’t accept me. I suppose that it can be weird. But I find a way to deal with it, because I know that much of my parents’ disapproval comes from how they were raised in Mexico.
Another thing that can be different is on the privileges she has that I do not. During a session I had a long time ago with her, I told her that I felt like I had a huge disadvantage in reaching my career goals based on the fact that I am a xicana woman. I had gone to a dental seminar and in the seminar, they had statistics on racial and gender makeup in the dentistry career. There are less woman dentists than there are men. And there are even less “hispanic” dentists than any other racial makeup. It makes me feel very discouraged because I am aware that it is due to institutionalized racism.
I explained this to my therapist and she said that she thinks that it would actually be an advantage, considering I am bilingual and that it should make me want to go towards my goal even more. I appreciate her optimism, I do. But that is just not the way things work unfortunately. Especially not in a place like Oregon. It seems progressive here, but that’s far from the truth. This can be seen more prominently if you’re a person of color.
I’m sorry, but that is the reality of it all.
I would like to have a therapist that doesn’t always need an explanation. But you can’t always have what you want, right?
Anyways, this post was prompted by the fact that I had told my therapist today that I had been dating someone “officially” since May. She asked how/why it hadn’t come up before and I said I guess I had other things on my mind. Truth be told, I just didn’t feel like explaining things again, which is what happened today.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t need therapy. I feel like I am a very insightful person, as I have also been told by every single therapist I’ve been to. I do know right from wrong and I do know when I am in the wrong. The reason I continue to go to therapy is because I like being validated. I like having someone tell me that my feelings are real and that they are valid and that I am not just crazy. It doesn’t matter if I’m paying them to listen to me and to validate my feelings. I just like knowing that I am not crazy.