Tag Archives: lgbt

On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

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Therapy

Today, I had a therapy appointment.

I like my therapist, I do. But there are vast differences between us. Not that that’s bad, but it shows in our sessions.

Our cultural differences, for example. She always seems surprised at how I can keep my romantic relationships separate from my family. Like, almost a secret. I have to do this because although my parents know I am not straight, they want to be in denial and think that what I am doing is just a phase, and that I am doing it to “get back at them for something.” And so, I make the conscious decision to not talk to them about anything in regards to my romantic relationships. My therapist thinks that this is weird and that it is weird how I don’t feel resentful or bitter towards them because of it. She finds it weird that I can still have a good relationship with my parents while they also don’t accept me. I suppose that it can be weird. But I find a way to deal with it, because I know that much of my parents’ disapproval comes from how they were raised in Mexico.

Another thing that can be different is on the privileges she has that I do not. During a session I had a long time ago with her, I told her that I felt like I had a huge disadvantage in reaching my career goals based on the fact that I am a xicana woman. I had gone to a dental seminar and in the seminar, they had statistics on racial and gender makeup in the dentistry career. There are less woman dentists than there are men. And there are even less “hispanic” dentists than any other racial makeup. It makes me feel very discouraged because I am aware that it is due to institutionalized racism.

I explained this to my therapist and she said that she thinks that it would actually be an advantage, considering I am bilingual and that it should make me want to go towards my goal even more. I appreciate her optimism, I do. But that is just not the way things work unfortunately. Especially not in a place like Oregon. It seems progressive here, but that’s far from the truth. This can be seen more prominently if you’re a person of color.

I’m sorry, but that is the reality of it all.

I would like to have a therapist that doesn’t always need an explanation. But you can’t always have what you want, right?

 

Anyways, this post was prompted by the fact that I had told my therapist today that I had been dating someone “officially” since May. She asked how/why it hadn’t come up before and I said I guess I had other things on my mind. Truth be told, I just didn’t feel like explaining things again, which is what happened today.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t need therapy. I feel like I am a very insightful person, as I have also been told by every single therapist I’ve been to. I do know right from wrong and I do know when I am in the wrong. The reason I continue to go to therapy is because I like being validated. I like having someone tell me that my feelings are real and that they are valid and that I am not just crazy. It doesn’t matter if I’m paying them to listen to me and to validate my feelings. I just like knowing that I am not crazy.

What if feels like to be dating a trans person

Or, what it feels for me to be dating a trans person.

My partner is perfect. It seems like out of all the people in the world, they are the one specifically for me. And all of the weird coincidences and thins you can relate to about one another always makes me feel even more sure.
But my homophobic parents will never accept my partner, and it makes me so sad.
I want a wedding and my partner wants a wedding. And I know my parents wouldn’t attend. They don’t even want to meet my partner.
It’s been six fucking months and you would think that they would say, “oh my daughter has someone that she loves and someone that loves her. Maybe I should meet them!”
But it doesn’t work that way.
It doesn’t work that way.
But I wish so deeply that it would.