Tag Archives: jw

Last night

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Last night was a horrible fucking night. Up until now, I have been suppressing my feelings about my failed relationship. It felt like I was going to be ok. Until I started feeling sad. And then sadder. And pretty soon, I was crying uncontrollably. I cried for hours straight.

I started removing my ex from my life last night. I have found that, that is what helps me cope. I just remove them from my life completely. Reducing their carbon footprint in my life, never to be spoken of again. But it will be harder this time. I recognized this when I had just built up the guts to remove my ex from my Facebook page, and then I realized I was wearing one of her shirts. And then I still had small letters from her in my wallet. And then I realized my laptop was covered in stickers from her.

It was just a lot of small things and gestures that made me realize. Holy shit. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. And through the process of trying to get rid of everything, i just had a complete meltdown.

This still doesn’t feel real. It feels like she’s just at rehab again. Or we’re mad at each other. And it feels like I’ll wake up in the morning to a text message that says “good morning, baby.” Though, I haven’t received those kinds of text messages from her in months.

So many of my fondest memories include her. And so many small, seemingly meaningless things, remind me of her.

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It is really, really hard to swallow the fact that this is really happening. We are really broken up. Life’s a bitch sometimes.

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A Failed Relationship

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Lets see, lets see, what could I say about my most recent failed relationship. There’s just so much to say. It’s hard to even find the words.

First off, I know I play the victim a lot but I really feel like I’m the only one that’s hurting. I’m not sure if that’s because they really don’t care that we broke up or because they’re busy getting high. Probably both. Even so, I don’t think I’m hurting as bad as I thought that I would. Sure, I get really sad sometimes. But that’s normal. I feel ok for the most part. Maybe that’s how it is for them too. I think we were both just tired of dealing with each other’s shit.

I’m a little (a lot) disappointed that this last relationship didn’t work out. I really thought and was hoping that it would. In the beginning, it all felt really dreamy and surreal, which you could contribute to the infatuation that we were both experiencing.

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We spent a lot of time together, and it felt like we missed each other a lot, even we had only been apart for an hour. It felt like we were two pieces of the same puzzle. We both liked the same movies, music, food, etc. We connected in random ways, that you wouldn’t have imagined connecting about. We had a lot of good experiences, and first-time experiences together. It felt like they were my best friend. They understood me really well. They understood when I would react to something badly and would quickly apologize after. They didn’t chastise me for that. I liked that. I liked that it felt like even if I I was the craziest person in the world, they could see the good in me.

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But even though everything felt so dreamy, I think that things really took a turn for the worst when my ex-partner started relapsing and then left for rehab for 7 months. It was 7 months of not seeing each other and barely being able to talk to each other. It was 7 months of hearing dates of when they would come home, and then having those dates being pushed back, over and over again, because of them constantly relapsing. I think we care for each other a lot. We were together for 1 year and 5 months. Apart for 7. Life moves on, even if you’re not in each other’s life. I think that’s when we started falling out of love. I think that there is a clear, definitive point in time where you could really look and see, well, they’re not as in love as they used to be.

It is hard to think that at some point, everything was good. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think if they hadn’t started abusing drugs the way they are now, we could possibly still be together. There wouldn’t have been as much lying, deceitfulness, or disappointment. That’s what I tell myself, at least.

Today, we are no longer together. We are not even friends. I go back and forth between deleting them and their friends from all of my social media accounts. But I then find myself feeling frantic, wanting to know what they’re doing, and if they’re doing better without me. I find myself wanting to change my number, and feeling the imaginative joy I could feel when they receive an automatic reply that my phone number is no longer in service. I feel very spiteful, but I also feel very hurt.

I feel very apathetic and indifferent towards the relationship we were having. The past few months are indifferent to me. They weren’t good. Most of the time, they were bad.

But the memories, oh the memories. I am in love with the memories, and the memories and feelings of what could have been. It feels disheartening to think that I thought I had a soulmate. We were so alike and it just really feels like a punch to the chest.

  
Presently, our relationship was stagnant. Nothing was happening and in fact, it felt like the love we had towards each other diminished by the second. They didn’t care about themselves a lot, and I couldn’t handle it. I tried really hard to have things get better. But nothing happened. They just didn’t care. Or they did care, but didn’t do a good job at all of showing it. The last time we hung out was three days ago, on Valentine’s Day. I had been contemplating leaving them. We weren’t together. But we certainly acted like it. I think the thing that was the final straw for me was that, that same day, they groaned when I wanted them to walk me out to their door. How much is that, a couple feet? I left angrily, but forgave them soon after. The next day, they walked at least a mile to the store to buy inhalants to get high with. I always heard that the addict will always love the drug more than they love any of their partners or family members. I tried so hard not to believe it. In that moment, it became very clear that yes, at this point, I am not the thing that they love most.

I am still mourning our failed relationship. We were together for quite a long time, but apart for nearly as long. I find myself feeling stupid sometimes for how hard I tried to save our relationship. Or how badly I wanted them to save themselves.

 

This has been something that will be really hard to get over. It will take me a long time before I could even think about being with someone else. Even now, here I am, pouring my heart out. I know they will read this, and perhaps they’ll feel just as indifferent as I do. But still heartbroken over what could have been. We could have been so much more.

 

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Update 

Recap: Jami got out of rehab and went into a sober living center. That lasted about  week until she relapsed. She got a warning. Then, she relapsed again. She went back to rehab. And here we are. 

I have been going back and forth with what I should do with Jami.

I love her so very much.

But I worry about her a lot. And a lot of my time is spent worrying or thinking about her. My mental health suffers because of it. And my therapist is right, is it worth being in a relationship where you are clearly not putting yourself as a priority?

It is worth it to me.

In my mind, Jami had only been abusing badly when I first found out about the inhalants and when I took her to the hospital. I did not know that she had been abusing cough medicine for years prior to this and during this. So in my mind, I think, everything was normal before the inhalants happened.

But it wasn’t. And I think I mean, or relationship was normal before the inhalants happened. But Jami was not ok. 

I will think back to when we first met and first started dating and I’ll start to cry because I will think, God, everything was so good then.

But then I realize. Jami was probably abusing cough medicine then. So was everything ACTUALLY good? Or was I only seeing what I wanted to see?
I think to myself god damn, I could never let go of Jami. I would never in a million years let go of her.

But then I think, we should break up and maybe in time, we will meet again and be right for each other.

But then I think, I would feel so fucking devastated and angry if I ever saw her with anyone else, because deep in my heart I feel that we are still together and I know that I still love her.
So here we are, at the crossroads. Do I let her go, or do I stay?

I always need certainties because I am such an uncertain and indecisive person. But in a world filled with uncertainties, my heart is sure to implode. 
I go back and forth between what if Jami relapses again? But shouldn’t I support her? But Jami should try to be more independent. But shouldn’t I be sympathetic? But I can’t baby sit her all the time. But I love her?
But I love her.

But I love her.

But I love her.

11-month anniversary gush

It was our 11-month anniversary two days ago. I know I am sad very often because of what is going on with jamie.

But I want to take a moment to tell you guys of all of the cool things Jamie does for me.
Jamie is so so so supportive. She is the most supportive person I have ever met and not just towards me, I know that she is just as supportive towards her friends as well. Jamie makes me feel so secure and good. I am always apprehensive to even tell someone I’m depressed, let alone, that I have bipolar disorder. Jamie helps me work through my feelings and she never invalidates any of my feelings. But she will also let me know when she thinks that I’m wrong. I have the tendency to look into things too much and Jamie will tell me, hey, you know, I don’t actually think this is happening, why don’t you take a step back, calm down, and really look at the situation again? Jamie is so so good at being a good friend and girlfriend.
Jamie is also one of the funniest people I know. Just the other day, I was telling her how much I loved being silly with her. In other relationships, if I were to act the way I act with Jamie, my ex’s would have been really weirded out. But Jamie and I are genuinely, like, friends. We aren’t just girlfriends and we aren’t just partners. We are friends. And thats what makes our relationship so good, I think. Because even if I say something really weird or gross, she goes along with it.
I’ll say something like, “i’m pooping, let me poop in your mouth,” and she’ll respond “ok do it i’m ready.”
and I just laugh so so hard. Jamie makes me so happy like that.
Jamie is also the kindest, sweetest girl in the world. She will write me poems and learn songs on the guitar to play for me. She’ll buy me little things that she will think I will like if she’s out getting groceries or something (I got a Hello Kitty from her most recently!!). Sometimes, she even looks up little phrases on google translate just to make me smile. She calls me her “sol y su luna.” Soy su estrellita de suerte. Jamie is so sweet and so selfless. She is so considerate in so many ways.
I’m crying as I’m writing this but I’m also laughing because I’m thinking of how food this relationship is in comparison to all the other ones I’ve had. This is golden. This is heaven.
Jamie and I also have the same morals and that is something that is very important to me. We have our feminism be intersectional and we will talk about such issues very often. We will give each other feedback and what we disagree on and what we agree on and I think that is really one of the things that helps us both grow.
Honestly, I am so deeply, deeply, in love with Jamie. I never thought I would be in this deep. But she has so many traits about her that I just can’t help but to absolutely adore her.
When you get married, they say “for better or for worse.”
Jamie is at her worst, but is trying to get better and I will always stick by her side.
We are not married yet, but the commitment is there. For better or for worse.