reflecting

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On my last text post, I talked about how it felt like I had been dumped even though I wasn’t even really dating the guy. It still feels that way. I have snapchat, and for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s just sharing moments in real-time and then you can see who has looked at the things you shared. They don’t have to “like” anything, but you can see who has viewed it. I can see that this boy has viewed everything that I have posted.

I am still feeling hurt. But I am also taking this into perspective. I don’t know what happened and why he stopped talking to me. But it’s not like I’ve tried talking to him either. I think he started seeing someone, however, I assume a lot of things. Nevertheless, here’s what I’ve been thinking.

I was feeling really fucking angry with him and I think that that’s valid because no one likes to be rejected, right?

I have a tumblr that I’ve had for six years and I’ve always used it as a part-time blog. But I haven’t been posting serious text posts like this so much because I feel like I annoy all the people that follow me. I have a good amount of followers, but all of them are pretty young. And I guess that I’m young too, but for these kinds of posts, I want to be taken seriously. And no one wants to scroll through their dashboard, hoping to find cool memes and funny pictures only to stumble upon a long-ass post like this about how depressed I am. Which is why I’ve used this more as an outlet.

Anyways, I posted about this boy on that tumblr. And someone replied that they were in the same situation, but that they don’t hate the guy for it because they are glad that they had met him.

It really got me thinking. I don’t think that I hate this boy either. I do feel really upset. But that’s mostly me being upset at my own insecurities and feeling upset at the mistakes that I made. But even if I were to be mad at him, I don’t think that I can feel too mad.

I’m 21. He’s 28. That’s a big age difference. I already knew from the start that it wouldn’t work out because we are also pretty different. And it’s not even the age difference, but I feel that he was pretty immature. I’m not just saying that because I’m upset, but I’ve always felt that way.
I also am thinking, he’s 28 and has never really been in a long-term relationship. Long-term meaning longer than 6-months. If he has found someone, then I should be happy for him, even if I feel hurt. Shouldn’t I feel happy for someone for finding someone they are compatible with? If he’s that old, and hast found someone to be happy with for a long while, then I should feel hopeful for him. I am 21 and I have already had several long-term relationships, even if some of them were when I was super young and was more “puppy love-esque.” I have already had a great love with someone, to the point where I really loved them and wanted to marry them.

On some level, I am also glad that he stopped talking to me. I am glad because on several occasions, which I think I’ve talked about on here, he was kind of an asshole to me. But I kept it up because it felt good to be wanted. I know that if he hadn’t ended it, I would still keep it going. I would still be torturing myself by being with someone who wasn’t into me in the way that I wanted, and that also wanted really that nice to me. But it wasn’t all that bad. I did have a good time with him when we would be together. I did like them even on a platonic level.

I do hope that he found someone. I hope that if he has found someone, that he stays with them for a while. I remember that he had once told me that he does want kids. I dunno. I guess it just feels to me that 28 is really old, in the sense of not ever having been in a long-term relationship while also having the longing of wanting kids. I guess it just makes me feel bad a little, and I don’t feel that I should be angry at someone if that is what they are seeking.

Maybe I’m thinking about this in a completely naive way. I’m pretty naive. But I also feel like if I don’t think about it this way, that I will get super depressed and that the anger will weigh me down. So I prefer to stay naive.

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