a letter for you

I miss you so, so much. I miss everything about you and I miss all the moments we shared. I miss all the moments that we didn’t get to share and I miss the things that we were supposed to do together. I miss you, completely, entirely.

So much has been happening since you died. Saying passed away doesn’t really seem right, as you didn’t die of a natural cause. I have been trying really hard in school, or so it feels like. I got a new job, and quit that job for a better job. The job I have now is working at a funeral home. It is a little funny how death follows you around. Working here has been a different experience than I thought it would be. It isn’t scary. And I don’t see the bodies as being alive.. if that makes sense. They are just bodies. There is no one there.
Seeing it that way makes it a lot less scary. I have realized that often times, the funerals that are being held are more for the families and friends to get closure. Seeing heir loved one in such a state can really solidify the fact that they are no longer there.

I think that that’s one of the things I am still sad about. I never got to see you. The last time I had officially seen you was on Valentine’s Day. How fucking terrible. I’m sad that even though you were cremated, I didn’t get to see or be around your ashes. I think that seeing that would have really made me feel at peace. You weren’t happy in this life anyways. And you weren’t even really “living” anymore. You were trying to get by the best you could. That also makes me sad. But I do wish that I had gotten to see you. Instead, the first I had heard that you had died, I couldnt believe it. I don’t mean that I was in disbelief. I genuinely didn’t believe that you were gone. I tried to see you. I called the morgue that you were in. But they said that I had to pay to come see you and also have permission from the family. I think I would have had a good chance for you r mom to let me see you. But I didn’t have the money they required. So I couldnt see you.

I went to the memorial your town held for you, hoping to have some type of closure there. I ended up feeling angry and I left before the service even started.

Your family released your ashes into the ocean. You always said that you wanted to be a mermaid.

I don’t think that your family likes me very much. And that hurts, because I don’t know that they know the severity of the things that you and I had gone through. I try to look past it. But it just sucks.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Well, I always do. But even more so lately. Bad things have been happening lately and I haven’t been talking about them with anyone. I have been keeping them locked up. I haven’t even really talked about it online. I’m scared I’ll annoy all my online friends too. besides, whenever someone brings you up, I don’t really know what to say. I’m still in shock. But sure enough, I know that I will go home or rush to the bathroom and let a few tears fall out, or just turn into a complete mess.

Something I have been thinking about it how much I took you for granted. You didn’t need to do so many things for me. But you loved me so much that you did. I think that I tried to make up for in when you were going through your addiction. I wanted to be there for you, idk you had been there for me. You had been with me through my worst times, and I wanted to be there for yours. But god damn, it was so hard. It was hard because I loved you so fucking much, that I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted you to get better. I didn’t care about my own mental health. I just wanted you to be ok.

I eventually had to let you go, you see. and it wasn’t because I stopped loving you. But I was so angry with you. I was so angry that you hadn’t beat your addiction, despite having been in and out of rehab so many times that year. I was so angry that I didn’t talk to you for months. I found out through someone else that you had died.

I’m still so fucking sad. I wish you were here more than anything. You were honestly so pure and so good. It was all the addiction turning you differently. Even so, you tried your hardest not to change. You tried so hard to not be a horrible person. I miss everything about you

I miss talking to someone every day abut what happened throughout my day. I miss talking to someone about those things and having them actually listen and give a shit. I miss having someone that isn’t just waiting their turn to talk but rather, is listening to me and gives me feedback about the things I say. I miss being with someone that doesn’t just want to talk about themselves. I miss being with someone that actually cares about how I’m doing. I miss having someone that cares about me and doesn’t just ask, “are you ok?” just to gossip. I miss being able to share the stupidest things with you. I miss the inside jokes we had. I miss being silly with each other. I miss being silly with each other and saying the dumbest, grossest things and still loving each other more and more. I miss having someone that I can talk to about my bad days.

I miss someone that will tell me they are proud of me for even the small things.
No one does that anymore. If I don’t do as well as I would have wanted in a class, there is no, “I am glad you tried your best.”
It is, “why didn’t you do better? all you do is go to school.”
I miss that you would congratulate me on the small things ; like getting out of bed, showering, eating, going to class. I miss you. I miss how supportive you were.

I miss listening to music with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss having you sing to me and play guitar. I miss talking about music. I miss hearing about all the details and the history of certain bands that you know. I miss listening to podcasts with you on rainy days. I miss playing video games with you. I miss having spa days with you. I miss eating together. I miss snacking together. I miss that we wouldn’t judge each other because we were both lil chubby babies and it didn’t matter. I miss sending you pictures of cute, fluffy corgi butts. I miss crying at dog videos with you. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss playing words with friends with you, even when we were sitting right next to each other.

I even miss your snoring. And I even miss when you would randomly fart in the middle of the night when you were sleeping.

I miss doing things with you. I miss going to the lake with you, and to the movies. I miss making plans with you. The reservations you had made in advance on Facebook have expired. You haven’t made a reservation to an event in six months. You never will anymore.

I miss talking to you. You were always one of the only people I actually liked talking on the phone with. I miss that we were both into the same things. I miss being able to talk about stupid shit with you. I miss sending you memes. I miss sending you funny clips. I miss discovering new restaurants with you, even if the food I order is shitty. I miss that you genuinely thought I was beautiful. You weren’t just using me for sex or for validation. You really, actually loved me. And it was so beautiful.

I miss sharing clothes, even though you couldnt fit into mine because I was much shorter than you. I miss cooking and baking together. I miss waking up groggily to the sound of your voice. I miss when you would rub my back just to make me feel good. I miss making playlists for you, and you for me. I miss silly face snapchats. I miss talking about gross situations with you,like whether or not you would eat my toe jam if I offered you money. You always said yes.

I miss literally everything about you. I miss how no one else is like you. It really feels like I will never find anyone as close to being as perfect as you were. You were so selfless. You were the person everyone should strive to be. I miss you so fucking much that it feels like I can’t handle it. It feels like it is too much. I am having a really hard time without you. I am having a hard time coming to terms with your death. In my mind, it still feels like you will come back for some reason. I don’t know. I’m just being stupid. But I miss you so fucking much, I couldnt even explain it even if I tried. My heart feels forever broken. And no one gets it. No one understands. No one could begin to understand the pain I feel from missing you so much. I wish so badly that you would come back. I really, really need you to come back. I really don’t know how much more I can take without you.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s