I mentioned this on a post a while back, but I got a new job about a month ago. I started during the last days of November so I’ve basically only been here for a month. I work at a funeral home.
I have never really had a bad day up until yesterday.. I hadn’t really gotten annoyed or frustrated up until this point. Even now, it isn’t really that I’m annoyed but I’m more just upset.
What happened is that two weeks ago, I fell at work on my back. I didn’t have any problems initially but maybe 4 days later, I started getting really bad aches and pains and right now, the pain is really bad and it hurts a lot. It is sort of a constant pain, but certain things make it worse. Such as standing for more than 1o minutes, walking, bending, turning… a lot of things. It doesn’t prevent me from doing my duties. But it makes it harder because it is really painful.
The week of the accident, my official boss was out for vacation. And so I didn’t mention the accident until a week later, when he came back. He told me to go to the doctor and that since I had insurance, he would reimburse me for the copay and the medicine. He was nice about it and I felt relieved because he said, “go to the doctor on the clock and it’s fine.” I went to the doctor yesterday and they told me that I was having a lot of muscle spasms. I asked how they could tell and my doctor said, “when I run my hands down your back, it is very bumpy.”
So, they told me I had to get an x-ray because it felt bad, and just for extra reassurance that nothing was broken. I had texted my employer as soon as they told me and they did not respond. I called them before I got the x-ray and he wasn’t happy.. he was like, “well, this isn’t what we discussed and so I’m sorry that you wasted your time going and wasted my time since I have to file a workers comp claim anyway.” and that kind of threw me off because I mean.. He told me to go to the doctor and that “we would go from there.” I interpreted it as, go to the doctor and don’t mention that it happened at work unless it’s something serious. You don’t just get x-rays for fun, and so I took that as being like, “oh, shit, this could be bad.”
My employer said that he would pay for my copay and my medication, but who was going to pay for my x-ray? My insurance doesn’t cover that, and that’s another reason why I panicked.
I got back to work and it felt like my employer’s demeanor towards me had completely changed. Up until now, he had been really nice and I had heard that he could get moody but I hadn’t experienced it so, I dunno. It was just very off-putting. He wasn’t mean but he just felt cold and the things he was saying confused me a little. He said, “you know, I can’t keep you from falling on the ice in the parking lot but if you feel that you can’t stay safe, then just stay at home.”
If someone said that to you, wouldn’t it be off-putting? It isn’t explicitly mean or rude. But it just made me really uncomfortable. A little later on he was saying that he didn’t mean to be snarky but that we hadn’t discussed filing a claim and now that he hadn’t filed one in ten years, and now his insurance was going to go up blahblah. He was like, “I just want to clarify that I would have happily paid for your expenses but now that I have to file the claim, I can’t do that so I’m just going to leave it up to them completely.”
I felt really bad the entire day and it wasn’t a good feeling to have heard those things. I didn’t feel bad necessarily. I don’t think that it was my fault that I fell. I wasn’t being reckless or anything. It just happened. But the feelings I was feeling was more of disappointing, failure, and hopelessness. They were brought on by the fact that I have been trying really, really hard to make a good impression at this job. I have literally taken on anything that they have asked of me and have gone out of my way to take on more duties. Not that they aren’t paying me adequately, but I am making the extra effort, you know?
The other person that shares my job doesn’t do anything with the bodies. Our job is technically only involved in clerical type duties. But I would always be up for helping dress someone and I recently even did someone’s nails because my boss didn’t know anyone that would be up for it. Like, for god’s sake, I really fucking tried, ok?
I did not seek this job. They sought me out. And so I have been trying really hard to make it seem like I’m not just some dumbass kid and that it was actually worth hiring me, especially since they wanted someone full time but I can only do part time because of school. I have just been seeking that approval a lot. And I have been getting it and have been getting great feedback. But this incident just made me feel terrible. As if it was all for nothing.
You know me and my mental illness… I pity myself and guilt myself to the point where it really takes a toll on me. And that’s been the case with this. I know that it really isn’t my fault. But that doesn’t relieve the feeling of feeling like all the effort I put into trying to make a good impression went to waste since my boss got upset with me. It’s just not a good feeling. I really wanted to cry all day at work and teared up throughout the day but crying at work would have only made things worse. I already felt like a failure and I didn’t want to come off looking like more of a failure than I already seemed.
The first diagnosis I ever got prior to being diagnosed with major depression and bipolar is having OCD around social situations. I will always always always take things personally and will always think that someone doesn’t like me –despite having no real evidence that they do, or despite them telling me that they do like me. It’s been an issue in romantic relationships because I need the constant validation that they actually do like me and aren’t just faking it. I try t not take things so personally. But my way of thinking gets so skewed and so extreme so quickly. It is hard to stop thinking the way I do.
Anyways, the point of saying that is that I am having obsessive thoughts about the whole thing and am analyzing and replaying the entire incident and encounter over and over in my mind.
I am not feeling good and no form of validation from my friends or family has alleviated these feelings. It feels stupid to say but I hadn’t been feeling depressed of anything since school ended on the 16th of December. But this just really triggered a lot of bad feelings and honestly, any little thing makes my mood completely flip. I’m feeling really bad and depressed and I’m not having good thoughts. I am having a lot of bad, destructive thoughts.
I just wanted to vent a little bit because I don’t want to keep hashing this out with my IRL friends and family.