New Meds

I took a test that my therapist gave me and apparently, I have ADD. Actually, I ranked really high on most of the sections they have on the test. I got put on adderall a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t taking it consistently, because I originally only wanted it for when I need to go to classes and need to focus. However, I like the effects it has. I’m only taking 5mg, which is the lowest dose you can get, but I feel like it really clears my mind.

There’s something that happens with me, and it’s because of my depression –it’s called “brain fog.” I feel like ever since my depression got bad, I don’t feel as smart as I used to be. I’m talking about like I’m almost 21 and I don’t feel like I’m as intelligent as I was when I was 12. That’s a big difference. I feel like depression stunted my growth in the worst of ways; eating disorders, my weight suddenly exploding from experimenting with different medications, not thinking clearly, blah blah. The list goes on, and on.

So I have been taking the adderall semi-regularly because I feel like I can better articulate what I am thinking. With the brain fog, I feel like I’m not as intelligent because my vocabulary isn’t as expanded as I feel it should be. I feel like I speak in caveman terms –only communicating in the simplest manner. It isn’t good to speak out meaningless jargon or use large words to make yourself sound superior. But I’m not even talking about that. Often times, I will also forget words that are the easiest thing. I attribute this to the brain fog. So with the taking of adderall, I feel like I can actually communicate what I want to communicate without having to explain myself. Does that make sense?

Something that I can’t decide if it’s good or not is that with the adderall, I do not get hungry. I could not eat an entire day and it wouldn’t even phase me, except for the fact that I might get a headache. I have been taking adderall regularly for about one week and I have already lost 6 lbs. Normally, people should be excited about this, right? And I maybe should be excited about it, considering how fucking gigantic I feel. But I know that I never gained weight because I have a bad diet. I have a good diet, according to the dozens of nutritionists I was forced to go to. My only issue with gaining weight was the constant changes of medications, and experimenting with them all, and also the binge eating. With my binge eating, I don’t purge. I used to purge, but when I went to the dentist one time, they said that my teeth were chipping due to how brittle they were because of the purging. My enamel was also fucked up. This really scared me, and so I stopped purging. So I kept all the calories I was suddenly consuming.

I haven’t binge eaten in a while. Mostly because I’m broke. If I buy anything, it’ll be a bad of chips. That sounds like it would be enough, right? BOY, if only you knew how bad binge eating can get.

Anyway also with the sudden weight loss, I can see how it could be a good thing but it is also triggering me in a manner that is bringing back restrictive tendencies. I used to really struggle with anorexia and I was severely underweight. Because I never feel hungry now, I think, god, I could be skinny again.

It is a never ending cycle of bad medicine side effects.


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