I said on an earlier post that I had suddenly hooked up with someone on the same day that we met… on the same day I had broken up with someone.
I know I just got out of a relationship, but honestly, the break up should have happened a long time ago. I don’t know that I ever really loved them honestly. That sounds really, really bad. They told me they loved me. But Molly died, someone that I was with for two years, and it was hard to let go of the extreme guilt that I felt for having left her. I feel like that’s why I never really loved the person I broke up with. I was mourning the loss of Molly in my life. I thought I was over her when i first got in the relationship, but she was still alive. She was still ok. Then she died and I suddenly felt like, fuck, what am I doing? This is probably my fault. I blamed myself so much for her death. I know deep down that there was nothing I could have done to help her. I sometimes read old posts and realize how fucking shitty the relationship had gotten. She was never a bad person. She was a really beautiful person. But the addiction she struggled with took a heavy toll on us. On her, too. It was frustrating. But I tried so hard to stay with her and support her, until it got to a point that I was really unhappy even talking to her. I was just angry with her. I felt like she wasn’t trying. I feel so bad for thinking like that.
I am trying to fill the empty spaces with fake love.
I am still talking to the person I had sex with. TBH, I kind of like them. They’re not like the person I had been dating recently. They are both the same age –7 years older than I am. But I feel like the person I had been dating was really serious in everything and I felt like I couldn’t really be myself around them. With the guy right now, I feel like he’s fun and I genuinely have a good time with him. Besides the sex, obviously. Anyway, I kind of really do like him but I definitely know that I messed everything up by having sex so quickly. I’d like to say that I don’t regret it. In a way, I don’t. But I also with this could have been so much more. I feel like that’s karma. Is that dumb, to think like that? I feel like this is my punishment for breaking someones heart. My heart will be broken in the end, too. I hate being seen like an object. So dispensable. I already feel that way about myself and it feels bad to have other people think of me that way too.
I dunno, man. I feel bad about everything right now honestly. I start school next week and I’m really nervous about that. I haven’t heard anything about if I’m going to get financial aid or not. My parents earn a lot of money. But none of that goes towards my schooling. They don’t help me with that. I feel like the EFC on financial aid is a crock of shit because of that. I have to rely on financial aid and taking out private loans. It literally makes me want to die whenever I think about how much I owe lol. Anyway I’m under a lot of stress and while I feel like fucking shit that this guy will never *actually* want to be in a relationship with me, I feel like having a FWB type thing isn’t so bad.
Is it so bad to want to be loved? To want to be wanted?