Hyper sexuality?

I said on an earlier post that I had suddenly hooked up with someone on the same day that we met… on the same day I had broken up with someone.

I know I just got out of a relationship, but honestly, the break up should have happened a long time ago. I don’t know that I ever really loved them honestly. That sounds really, really bad. They told me they loved me. But Molly died, someone that I was with for two years, and it was hard to let go of the extreme guilt that I felt for having left her. I feel like that’s why I never really loved the person I broke up with. I was mourning the loss of Molly in my life. I thought I was over her when i first got in the relationship, but she was still alive. She was still ok. Then she died and I suddenly felt like, fuck, what am I doing? This is probably my fault. I blamed myself so much for her death. I know deep down that there was nothing I could have done to help her. I sometimes read old posts and realize how fucking shitty the relationship had gotten. She was never a bad person. She was a really beautiful person. But the addiction she struggled with took a heavy toll on us. On her, too. It was frustrating. But I tried so hard to stay with her and support her, until it got to a point that I was really unhappy even talking to her. I was just angry with her. I felt like she wasn’t trying. I feel so bad for thinking like that.

I am trying to fill the empty spaces with fake love.

I am still talking to the person I had sex with. TBH, I kind of like them. They’re not like the person I had been dating recently. They are both the same age –7 years older than I am. But I feel like the person I had been dating was really serious in everything and I felt like I couldn’t really be myself around them. With the guy right now, I feel like he’s fun and I genuinely have a good time with him. Besides the sex, obviously. Anyway, I kind of really do like him but I definitely know that I messed everything up by having sex so quickly. I’d like to say that I don’t regret it. In a way, I don’t. But I also with this could have been so much more. I feel like that’s karma. Is that dumb, to think like that? I feel like this is my punishment for breaking someones heart. My heart will be broken in the end, too. I hate being seen like an object. So dispensable. I already feel that way about myself and it feels bad to have other people think of me that way too.

I dunno, man. I feel bad about everything right now honestly. I start school next week and I’m really nervous about that. I haven’t heard anything about if I’m going to get financial aid or not. My parents earn a lot of money. But none of that goes towards my schooling. They don’t help me with that. I feel like the EFC on financial aid is a crock of shit because of that. I have to rely on financial aid and taking out private loans. It literally makes me want to die whenever I think about how much I owe lol. Anyway I’m under a lot of stress and while I feel like fucking shit that this guy will never *actually* want to be in a relationship with me, I feel like having a FWB type thing isn’t so bad.

Is it so bad to want to be loved? To want to be wanted?

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Hyper sexuality?

    1. Lol press send, accidently. Anyways, just dont fret about it. As long as you gave the person you brokeup with an explanation then that is it. You were not really happy.
      Be a bit adventrous. Try this FWB out even if it doesnt lead to love or a relationship. Idk if you believe in polygamy but thats a viable option too.

      And for school? Ugh. Ask your parents to support you. Sit down and have a talk. there is no shame in asking for help.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s