I did something bad.

Yesterday, I broke up with the person I had been dating. They were nice and good to me. They were suffocating me, but that wasn’t entirely their fault. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t present in the relationship. It is only reasonable that they were suffocating me, and trying to hold on.

I did something bad. I had been talking to some guy from the internet and we were hitting it off and he seemed fun. We decided to hang out. It was fun, and I had a good time. I could tell that he was starting to like me. And I kind of liked him. But something in my switched and I don’t know if it switched at that moment or if it switched when I decided to agree to hang out with him.
I had sex with him. I feel bad because I wouldn’t normally do something like that.. have sex with someone pretty soon after I get out of a relationship. And I wouldn’t ever normally have sex with someone I had just officially met that same day.

We had been talking for hours and cracking jokes and whatnot. We played a game and I ended up winning. I suggested that as a winning prize, he should kiss me. He did. And it all escalated beyond that.

I read up on hyper sexuality when it happens with bipolar disorder. I’ve never experienced it before and so this is kind of a scary experience. It all happened so quickly. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared because I’ve been feeling very numb lately. I haven’t cried about Molly’s death in a week, when I have been crying about her every day for the past three months. I feel numb. And so while I feel bad, I don’t feel like I feel as bad as I should. I know that I did something bad. But I don’t think I regret it. Am i just a cold-hearted bitch? Or is this part of the hyper sexuality of bipolar disorder? My bipolar never exhibits symptoms like this and this is a first so I don’t even know what this is supposed to be like.

I also feel bad because of the fact that we had sex on the first day we met. And it seems that if I ever wanted something more, it’s too late now. And I’m the one that fucked it up. He wants to keep hanging out. But I don’t know if it’s because he suspects we’ll have sex again. I feel bad because it felt good to be wanted, but now I want to be wanted in a different way.

Karma works in strange, shitty ways.


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