I had therapy yesterday. The first thing my therapist says to me whenever I come in is, “so how are you? what’s new?”
Except this time, those questions were followed by, “you seem depressed.”
You might think that this is a silly thing to say,considering I’m so neurotic that I am depressed so often. But I hadn’t been so depressed in my sessions with her lately. And if I was, I had been managing it. The truth of it is, is that I haven’t been doing well lately. Not at all. I’ve been really depressed and haven’t found it in me to do something about it. I just don’t care. I’m feeling a little better this week but I’m still really bad.
Sometimes I realize that I don’t really need a therapist. Not REALLY. She doesn’t give me any new information that I don’t already figure out myself. Because I’m someone that worries a lot and really mulls things over, I come up with a lot of different conclusions for situations. I can find the reasoning in everything, eventually. And so when I tell her, my depression this time was sparked by the B that I got in a class. She had said that even though I got a B, it was still good, considering everything I went through summer term. And I do know that. Actually, on a different blog, I wrote a post about it. The reason i have two different blogs is that on my other one, it is more of a public audience. I have hundreds of people that read my material, including people that I know in real life. I can’t truly, honestly say everything I want to say.
Anyway, in the post, I had said that I was really proud of how far I’ve come this term. My boss had sent me an email that she wanted to offer me to keep my job (which was initially a seasonal position) because she admired my work ethic and reliability. It felt good. I also noted that even though I didn’t get an A in the class, like I thought I would, a B wasn’t that bad either. I had to give myself credit for both situations. Molly died six days after the term started. Molly died the same day that was my first day at that job. My brother had also gotten really sick, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So despite everything that happened, I still managed to pull it together and try to get on with my life. I am the kind of person that gives up really quickly. I pull away the moment I sense failure. But I didn’t give up this time, despite all the times I felt hopeless.
My therapist basically reiterated this to me and though it is appreciated, I already knew it. Most times, I can figure things out for myself. I guess I still go to her though because it feels good to talk to someone. Sometimes I get so depressed that I just need someone to talk to. But I HATE feeling like a burden, so I would rather keep it in. She is someone that I’m basically paying to listen to me, so I don’t feel so bad.
In this therapy session, we talked about how depressed I had been felling, due to the amount of pressure I put on myself. We also talked about Molly a lot. Ever since I got out of classes, I haven’t really had anything to do. And because I’ve been so depressed because of my grades, I have been pulling away from everyone and really kept to myself. I have more time to think about things and to overthink them. My depression comes out in the worst ways and the way that it shows up most often is isolating. I isolate a lot when I get depressed. So I think that when I had to focus on school, I didn’t have much time to thin about Molly. Not all the time. But I don’t have anything to do now so I DO think about her all the time. When I talked about her, there would be times when I just couldn’t articulate what I was saying. It was hard for me to even say the words I wanted to. I was crying too hard, to the point where it would be hard to breathe.
We talked about the current partner I have. My partner and I had a long phone conversation yesterday about how they’ve been feeling really neglected and lonely because I’ve been so busy with school and being depressed. I felt bad. But I also told them that i didn’t like that they were making me prove that I liked them by giving them physical things. For example, they would say to write them a letter, an email or to send a package. Sometimes I would do those things. But whenever I didn’t, they would get upset. I don’t think that I should have to prove myself if I’m still with them. I also told them that I have no way of knowing when I will get depressive episodes, and that I also have no way of knowing how long they will last. Not to say that they need to deal with it, but that it is something that I actively struggle with. I told them that I do understand why they feel that way and that they’re right, I have been neglecting them, as I haven’t put any time or energy towards the relationship. But they have codependency traits that I also had to bring up. I was codependent with my previous partner, as they were an addict and I constantly wanted to help them and wanted them to be ok. I was putting out more energy than they were giving out. Though I realize that they had no way of putting energy towards our relationship, when they couldn’t even put every towards themselves. It was a selfish thing to think about.
But because I’ve been in the same position once before, I recognized that what they were saying wasn’t healthy. I told them that while I do understand, I felt like they shouldn’t base their own happiness on the wellbeing of our relationship. That is being codependent and that they need to find ways to cope, regardless. That’s what I think. Maybe I’m heartless.
I do like them a lot. And I do love them a lot. I think our relationship has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel that maybe I am not in a good place right now to have a relationship. I feel like I’ve been grieving over Molly a lot. I know that I will be depressed a lot and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand why I will be depressed. Oh, also, whenever I would tell them I’m depressed and told them why, they would say that it wasn’t “a good enough reason.” That bothered me a lot. But anyways!!! I also feel like we are both in completely different points in our life that I don’t feel will work out, long term. They are seven years older than I am. And I don’t feel that it’s the age. But they’re just so different. We are not alike enough for me to think that this will work out long term. I guess for me, I also think, why would I be in a relationship if I don’t think that it’s going to work out? i don’t want to be in a relationship just to not feel lonely. That’s not what I want.
I guess, ultimately, I don’t have the energy to put towards this relationship. I will be going back to school in two weeks and I need to focus this term more than I ever have, because it’s crunch time. I need to get good grades, I need to memorize, I need to pull it together. I need recommendations from these two instructors so I need to be spending time REALLY participating in class and going to their office hours, so that they get to know me. So that i’m not just another student trying to get by.
I just have too much going on, and though I know I need to have a social life too, it can’t be all work, relationships require a lot of work. It is hard to keep up with relationships if you don’t have the time for them. I have been thinking about this a lot because it also isn’t fair to keep giving them hope, that we’ll fix this. I think they’re just ready to settle down. I’m not. I’m not even 21 yet. I’m just getting started with my life.
idk. So that’s what I’ve been feeling and what’s been going on. Wow, this was a long post.