My mom apologized for saying she was “fucking sick of me.”
And though I accept her apology and though I know it was something that was said in the moment, it won’t be erased from my mind.
I am sure that other people with mental illnesses know what I mean. It will never be erased from my mind. Every time I speak without thinking and it ends up bad, my mind will play “I’m fucking sick of you,” over and over like broken record. Every time I feel worthless, the feelings will be elevated when I think of what was said.
I am fucking sick of myself. Hearing that someone else is too hurts. It doesn’t matter if I accepted the apology. I will always remember. It turns into scar tissue and it will always be an ugly reminder that yes, sometimes, it is not just me that is sick of myself. Sometimes it’s other people too.