Your memorial

I am feeling annoyed.That’s been a constant reoccurrence on this blog, hasn’t it?
The other day, Molly had a memorial in New York held by past friends. I got upset with one of them because they had said that it was ok to call Molly “Jamie.” She said to come to the memorial and call her Molly or Jamie, “whichever you prefer.” I don’t think it’s ok and I don’t think Molly would have thought it was ok either. That was her dead name, and she changed her name for a reason. The addiction she struggled with was fueled by the dysphoria that she experienced. There is no fucking way she would have been ok with being called her dead name. There just isn’t. It wouldn’t have mattered if it’s people that knew her before she became Molly. She wasn’t Jamie anymore. She was Molly. Everyone that was her close friend would agree. I know they would. Because they know that Molly didn’t want to be called Jamie anymore.
Anyway, I got upset with the person and they said I was being disrespectful and insensitive and that it’s not what Molly would have wanted. This particular person had literally posted that they hadn’t talked to Molly in three years. How would they even know what she would have liked?

In fact, how dare they even try to say that they know what Molly would have liked.
I’m grieving, still. And I’m sad, still. I’m slowly getting better. But I got upset a lot of times when people would misgender Molly or call her by the wrong name when we were together. 
Something I’m annoyed about now: Molly’s mom gave this person, who I know was one of Molly’s ex-girlfriends, items that were once Molly’s. And I suppose that doesn’t annoy me. It is nice to have things that were once a loved ones. What annoys me is that two of these items, that this girl is wearing, are items that I got for Molly. I got the bracelet she has from my trip to Mexico. I got the seahorse necklace from an obscure shop on Mississippi in Portland. 

And I am annoyed because these are both items that Molly frequently wore. Because they were her favorite, in addition to a mermaid necklace I had gotten her.
I am annoyed because this girl did not have the basic decency to respect who Molly was and didn’t even talk to her. She wants to make all these posts on her Facebook wall but if you can’t respect who she was, were you REALLY her friend? Did you REALLY care about her? And now that she’s gone, this girl is trying to make up for lost time? For what? What is the fucking point to act like you care so much and so deeply about her now?

This seems to be a common thing for people that knew Molly. All these people that would hurt Molly and were fucking assholes to her are coming out and saying “oh I miss you so much and blahblah.”

Why weren’t you there for her before? When she was alive? Why didn’t you treat her like a human being when she was still here?

But now you want to go and act like you guys were best friends?
I’m upset and it’s all coming out now. It’s been building up and I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point. I also feel like I’m in that stage of grieving where I’m just so angry at everything.

I’m just annoyed because Molly cried so much and was so sad and alone so often. She would text and message and call all of these people, even from rehab. No one ever answered. It made her sad. And it made her feel lonely and like she didn’t really have friends. I’m just really pissed off that these people are acting like they care about her when they really didn’t. It seems like they want other people to think they cared about her, just to seem like a good person or something.
It makes me angry to have someone say that they knew Molly better than I did. And they didn’t. I knew literally everything about her. The creepy things to the normal things. From what deodorant she used to what music she liked to listen to when she was sad. I knew this because I almost proposed to her. I knew this because I loved her deeply and she was my best friend.
I suppose that the items this girl has are just that –items. They don’t hold any significance to her other than the thought that maybe all the lost time between them can be made up by wearing these items, and possessing them. And I suppose I can recognize that the true meaning of these items are in my memory. And I suppose that I can recognize that throughout all of this stupid fucking bullshit, I know what Molly and I went through. And I know I don’t have to prove that to anyone at all. I know what she would have wanted. And I know that everyone who actually loved her knows that too.
But it’s still annoying. And I’m blocking the girl for my own sanity because I get #pissed every time I see her making an empathetic post on Molly’s Facebook wall. 

In addition, because I don’t want to make another annoying Molly rant post, I am angry because I am also angry at myself for not having been there for Molly near the end.

I know so deep down that I did it to protect myself. I know that I did it because I was destroying myself for Molly. I guess my own stupid reasoning is that if I had destroyed myself for just a little longer, maybe I wouldn’t be feeling such incredible guilt. And maybe Molly would still be here. Maybe if I had responded to her text that one time or not gotten upset with her that other time.

I am angry because I know that all of the anger I am feeling is misplaced. I am probably not actually angry with these people (lol jk). I am actually angry with myself. I am angry and because I can’t actually talk to Molly and tell her all these things, I want to take it out on anyone that slightly pisses me off. I actually am pissed off at that girl though because I think what she’s doing is fucked up but w/e. We’ll just say my anger is misplaced and my [literal] ol’ bipolar ass will go back and forth between those feelings.
If I’m being reasonable, I know that what she is doing is her own way of coping. I do know that. I do know that she also probably feels guilty for not talking to Molly. I also know that everyone else that was an asshole to her probably feels that way too. It is just easier for me to be angry at them than it is to be angry at myself.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s