Goodbye, Molly

When I first learned that Molly passed away, my world turned upside down. I blamed myself so much for so many things. I blamed myself for her death. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. I was looking at our entire relationship and friendship through rose-colored glasses.When she passed away, I thought that she was the best girlfriend ever and that she was incredibly supportive.

And she was. Initially. But the last year of our relationship was not good. The last year of our relationship, she had been in and out of rehabs. I kept draining myself and pushing myself beyond my limits just to try to help her.

So, yes, I loved her so incredibly much. But I had also started to let go because she wasn’t capable of loving me. And I wasn’t content loving someone that wasn’t able to love me back.
Initially, I blamed myself for cutting her off. I blamed myself for starting to let go of her. I blamed myself because I thought, what if she kept using and died because she was sad about me?

But I can’t be that vain. Molly was an addict. She would have used even if she wasn’t thinking of me. And even if she was sad about me, yes, that makes me feel sad and bad. But I was doing so badly and I wasn’t taking care of myself because I tried to take care of her. I was putting all of my energy into her. I would starve myself and cut myself to feel better. I know that cutting her out of my life was the best decision for me.
I will always cherish the memories we shared. But I can’t keep thinking that our relationship was beautiful and perfect. Because that’s not the way it ended up being. 

She was a beautiful person and had a beautiful heart. She loved me so well, when she was capable of it. But her addiction ruined so many things. Ultimately, it ruined us.
I can’t keep blaming myself for things that she did. I cannot blame myself for her death.

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