I was told yesterday that my ex girlfriend died of an overdose. I feel very numb and I’m confused about my feelings. I’m so incredibly sad but I feel like I’m numb because I am finding it so hard to believe. I want so badly for this to not be real and I wish I could just go on believing that everything is ok and that she’s ok.
But she’s gone. And I’m so sad because I know she didn’t mean to die. She didn’t want to die. She had just become an aunt and she had just begun therapy. Everything was coming up for her. But her fucking addiction was in control of her life. I know she didn’t want to die. She used because she wanted to get out of her feelings and not deal with them for just a little while.
I hadn’t talked to her in months. We had gotten in a fight and I had decided to cut her out of my life because I wanted to move on. Our relationship had become volatile and it was something that, at that moment, couldn’t go any further. But we always said we were soul mates and that in the future, if she got better, we would maybe try again. The last thing she said to me was that she was sorry for all the mean things she had said to me last time we talked. I never responded.
She never got better. She only got worse. And now she’s dead. And I feel so fucking bad and guilty that I hadn’t been talking to her.
She helped me through so much. And I feel so fucking bad that I couldn’t help her with her addiction.
I can’t believe she’s gone. I’m finding it really hard to accept this.