It hits me in waves

I spent a good portion of my life with my ex that sometimes, I kind of forget that we aren’t together anymore. So I’ll talk to them or send them a message about something I saw or experienced and suddenly it’s like, oh..

I was with them the longest I have ever been with anyone. We’ve broken up before. The first time, they broke up with me. I can’t even remember why. But it felt really bad and I just wanted to hurt myself. I cried to my roommate then I told her to leave me alone. Just a total mess.

The second time, I broke up with them because they had used drugs. I don’t even remember what time that was but we got back together the next day. That time hurt a lot too, but it wasn’t so bad because it didn’t last very long.

And here we are again. In the same position. Except it doesn’t hurt a lot this time. It is a deep, prolonged aching. It’s going through moments thinking, God, I can’t live without them. And then thinking, do they even care? And because I’m so emotional, are they even taking me seriously? Or do they think I’ll want to get back together instantaneously? 

I don’t have any support. I don’t even go to therapy anymore. I am more alone than I have been in the past. But I’m managing and I think, maybe I can do this.

But it comes in waves. And the sadness comes in waves. Unpredictable, messy, and unstable waves.

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