are you listening?

Something that I often forget is that I do not have to finish school on time. I do not have to finish everything in the estimated amount of time that the school makes.

I forget it often because if I don’t do everything on schedule, I feel like a failure. I’ve been brought up to think that if I can’t do something or if I can’t finish something, I am a failure and I didn’t try hard enough.

I am barely passing my classes. The program I am going into does not like people that “barely pass” to apply. Which is understandable, who would want someone that barely passed a class like anatomy to be examining their body? but I don’t feel supported and I feel like I’m losing touch with myself.

Right now, I have really been having difficulties with my emotions. I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and I’ve gone back to self harming. Besides therapy, I don’t ever really get asked if I’m doing all right. My parents don’t even really ask me how I am doing. They ask me if I’ve done my homework and if I’m passing my classes (and get angry when I say I’m not doing well). but they don’t ask me WHY i’m not doing well. They assume it is because I don’t study enough. Which, I don’t, but it’s because I can’t get the energy to do it. I can barely get the energy to get to class.

I know that a lot of people can see that I’m not okay. and I’m not good at asking for help when I’m in this kind of situation. But, I don’t know, no one ever really reaches out. And it doesn’t really feel good. Because I reach out to people when I see that they’re not doing well. Or someone will start texting me, wanting to ask me advice or talk to me about something because they’re lonely. And I listen and I try but I don’t get that same type of care in return. It makes me feel invisible and it makes me feel like no one cares. but maybe it is just too much of a burden to put on, that I personally feel too guilty to say “no” to.

uugghhh i don’t know. I feel like this is all boiling down to me not being able to handle any of this and by then, it will be too late. not to be overdramatic but i’m just really not doing well lol. and i’m there for everyone. but at the same time, i am alone, alone, alone.

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