I wonder, when all is said and done and Jamie is back home from rehab, if we will truly love each other the same?I am feeling an incredible amount of anger towards Jamie today.
So much so, that the weight on my chest grows heavier and heavier.
How many times did they lie to me? How long had it truly been going on before I had realized it? Why didn’t they ask for help? Why didn’t they trust me? Did I enable them?
I can feel my heart aching so much so, that I grit my teeth together just to stop myself from screaming.
We will not spend summer together. We will not spend her birthday together. We will not spend our one year anniversary together.
When will they come home? How much longer will I have to spend before they are well enough to come home? And even then, will they ever really be well?
I feel so angry and resentful. Will I ever be able to forgive? Will I ever be able to forget? Will I ever be able to let go of these feelings?
I get overjoyed whenever they call me and it seems that all of my worries drift away. But I can’t bring myself to write them a letter or send them packages. I feel bitter when they tell me of what a good time they’re having and how many friends they’re making. I think, “why are you having such a good time when I’m here crying every night, thinking of how fucked everything is?”
This is the first time I’ve felt even a tiny bit angry towards Jamie and it feels like it has been subconsciously building up, and building up, and building up. Constantly asking myself, “why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”