I’m sad and feel like a failure

I’m currently sitting in the parking lot by the marina because my parents think I’m at class. They don’t know that I withdrew. I haven’t told them yet.

So I’m sitting here for another three hours, fucking around cause I’ve got nothing else to do.
I’m withdrawing from the college and applying again in the fall, so I can redo the classes I didn’t do well on this term. The program I’m applying to doesn’t like class repeats so by withdrawing, the classes I’m not doing well on show as W’s on my transcript. I wasn’t even going to get a C in the class and I need a solid A. It’s apparent that this is what was needed to be done. I just wish the car accident hadn’t fucked me up so much.

My girlfriends addiction is rampant. She keeps saying she will try harder and be better but it’s just not happening. I know it’s her addiction and it isn’t her. But it’s hard to not be frustrated when someone you love is harming themselves in a very significant manner. Compressed air is so dangerous. 

I’m honestly scared she’s going to die one of these days.
I love my girlfriend so much but this is really taking a toll on me. I am constantly worrying about her. She is constantly lying to me. 

It feels like our relationship is diminishing and losing the strength it once had. 

I’m trying to be supportive.

I’m trying, trying, trying.

I read up on articles and do my own research. I’ve even gone to support groups for those who have a loved one going through addiction.
There’s only so much I can do to help her. I constantly remind myself that I cannot fix Jamie, that Jamie has to do it for themselves. I just feel so helpless.
In this moment, it is hard to feel hopeful when Jamie keeps abusing substances and keeps relapsing. It is coping with losing your girlfriend and coping with the possibility of not even having a future with the anymore. It is coping with the fact that you might not be able to live together. It is coping with not being able to get married. It is coping with not being able to have a family.

I’m losing my girlfriend and my heart aches so badly. 

In lieu of everything, I’m so incredibly depressed. I constantly feel like there’s nothing I can do with/for myself. It’s hard to convince yourself otherwise when so much in your life is complete shit. 


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