I am not feeling good this week. I don’t feel myself. I realize I am in a hypo manic state.
I am feeling really shitty about myself and I have feelings of wanting to die and feeling like nothing matters and that everything is worthless. I feel worthless. Deep down, I know I am not. But that is very deep down. It is like a little voice telling me, “you’re worth something!” But there’s also a loud, booming voice that is screaming, “YOURE WORTHLESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU BIG FUCK UP?”
I have been perceiving especially like in my relationship, my partner responds to me in a rude or annoyed manner. And I perceive it as such. But then I think, are they really being rude to me or am I just thinking it is this way because I am in a hypo manic state? Is this actually happening or is this just me? Even after asking myself those questions, it’s hard to differentiate what is actually happening. I will think, should I bring up to my partner that they’re being rude? But what if I do and they don’t know what I’m talking about? Is this all in my head? I really don’t know.
I feel very alone. Like no one cares or has time for me. Not even myself. I can’t take care of myself, it feels like, because I have too many other things going on.
It feels like, for some reason, I am running out of time.