Back Home

This is the first post I have made about being back home and naturally, I have lots to say.

My parents are very controlling. They like to micromanage my life and also my brothers life, allowing nearly next to nothing for self-expression. I get defensive. I get defensive especially now that I have been away at university for seven months and am now living back at home. My parents can be very manipulative and I have noticed that it has gotten especially worse. Before moving back home, I had expressed that I wanted to live by myself. I wanted to live by myself because I had a feeling I would not like living at home. My parents convinced me not to because they said that if I came back to live with them I would live rent free, eat free food, and have a car. Well, they’re right, but they always like to push that fact in my face. They have been saying “you live here for free, the least you could do is give us respect.” Mind you, by “respect” they mean doing whatever they want me to do.

Before I left for university, I already struggled a lot for my parents. Truth be told, they’re the main reason that cause my stress (besides school) that then leads to my depression. They are not the reason for my depression and they are not the reason I have tried to hurt myself in the past, but they play a big role in it.

When I had left for university, I had stopped taking my medication by going cold-turkey because I felt like I did not need it anymore. And I didn’t need it for several months. But as the months rolled by and as my parents were calling me more often since I was planning on moving back with them, my depression and OCD habits slowly crept back. I have only been at home for maybe a week so my symptoms aren’t here full-throttle but I am definitely sensing something different. I now no longer only have school as a stress-factor but I also have my mom, dad, and brother. I can no longer shut myself out in a room because I live in a house with three other people that demand to be listened to.

In therapy, it took me a while to notice it but my parents and my home-life is a very toxic environment for me and my mental health. I do not do well here. I do not thrive here. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate everything that my parents do for me, I often recognize that they have made many struggles so that my brother and I could have everything we do.

At home, I guess I feel more like a burden and a hassle than anything else.

Just this past week, and like I said this is the FIRST week I have been here, my parents got into a fight because of me. This happened to the point where my mom even said she has been thinking about divorce. It made me sad. My parents fought because of me because I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. However, my dad (or rather, my whole family) doesn’t believe me. They don’t believe me because I have a tendency to have hypochondriac tendencies. But I have been officially diagnosed by a doctor, isn’t that enough?
Anyway, they fought because my dad said that he is tired of me having all these illnesses (depression, OCD, anxiety, bipolar type 2, fibromyalgia). He says that he thinks I am faking it all. My mom said that even if I was faking it, that it is her job as a parent to help me get help, even if I turn out to not be as sick as I “think” I am. My mom then retorted that my grandma often fakes illnesses and elevates her symptoms to make it seem like it is something worse than it is (my grandma has dementia). My mom also then said that if my dad is so tired of hearing me talk about my illnesses, that my mom will no longer hear any of my dad’s family cry for help when they need help with medical related things, as my mom is a nurse.
My dad got angry and did not talk to my mom for days.

My parents are on better terms now but I can’t help but notice, many things that they fight about are ultimately about me. Whether it is about money, my schooling, who I hang out with, my health, etc. And maybe it’s their fault too for wanting to micromanage me but it makes me feel guilty. Like I said before, I feel more like a burden than anything else.

All of these feelings have been attributing to my depression and they have been making me feel more worthless than I was feeling before. My partner helps me a lot in dealing with these feelings and talking them out. However, it is also a struggle with my family and my partner. I want to often talk about my partner with my parents because they are so great and I want to share that with other people. But my parents refuse to talk to me about my partner because they think that they “are a fag.” They think this because my partner identifies as queer, and my parents know that because they looked through my partner’s Facebook (as in that, too, they were trying to be controlling).

It is hard living in an environment where you feel unwanted and where you don’t feel supported.

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4 thoughts on “Back Home

  1. I know this family dynamics all too well, except I am the mother in this scenario. Add a little untreated bipolar to mom and you’ve got our dysfunctional family to a tee. Even in my recovery, it would be difficult for me not to revert back into my parental lioness role. She may not admit this but, I can tell that her tolerance with us only lasts for 4-5 days tops for a visit. I can’t blame you or her with your feelings. I think it’s difficult for any parent to be keep there noses out of their child’s business no matter what age they are. That’s not to say I agree with their interference of your space but I understand their principles.
    If your situation fell onto my daughter, as much as I would want to continue to respect her independence, I can see how easy it would be to become just like your folks.
    I hope you are continuing with your psychotherapy. This would be one of those times where it be more than imperative for your recovery. Despite the over abundant of stimulation, be sure to be true to yourself and spend as much time with your self-care.
    Most importantly, don’t take anything personally. don’t buy into their lies of blame. You are NOT responsible for your parents marital problems. Whatever struggles they are going through came long before you moving back home. It’s easier to throw displacement at anyone other than yourself. Always remember YOU are impeccable. Write it on a post it and hang it up where you can see it often. I hope this helps. I wish you all the best in your current situation. Sometimes its best to suffer through the poverty just to have your peace of mind. Move close by so if there is anything you need ie: a hot meal, advise, of a car; you’re just a phone call away.

  2. How old are you? Why are you living at home? We have a 21 and 27 year old living at home. The older one pays rent and the younger one is here going to college and driving from home to save money. But it is their choice. They both lived away from home and they like it better here. We don’t fight because my attitude is they are welcome to move out at any time. I don’t mean that in anger or to be a snot but it is just a fact. They follow our rules (which are pretty lenient). I would NEVER go snooping on their FB…I could care less. I just read a lot of people on here who don’t get along with their parents and I wonder why they don’t move out? Even if I had to live in a tiny room somewhere and work at McD it would be better than living in a hateful environment. Good luck! 🙂

    1. I am 19. I don’t really had the funds to move out. Though, I m getting a job so I can start to accumulate money to move out. However, like I said, I still appreciate everything my parents do for me but I do acknowledge that home is toxic for me.

  3. It’s great that you are putting pen to paper and writing down your thoughts and naming the struggles you have in your life right now. I think that is a big part of moving forward for the better. I was in the same situation a while back, living with parents and feeling extremely underappreciated and suffering with my mental health. I felt like I was stuck, and due to my financial situation, there was no way out. I too appreciate everything my parents do and did for me but after understanding I too was living in a toxic environment, I knew I had to move out. I’ve been living out of home for almost a year now and even though it costs more, I am happier than I have ever been. My relationship with my mum is not perfect but we are closer than ever before. Hold in there, things will get better.

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