February 2nd, 2015

I am not well again. 
I had gone off of medication just before winter break, when I had moved into my new dorm. Not just because I was feeling better but because the medication has never really done anything for me other than make me feel numb. So I just went cold-turkey and everything was fine, I even felt better than I had felt in months, maybe even years.

Fast forward two months, today marks February 2nd. I don’t really have any stressors in my life except maybe interpersonal relationships (people, friends, etc). All the classes I am taking, I should be able to handle. I have literally the best roommate you could probably ask for. There’s nothing really “wrong” in my life to make me feel so bad. But I do. The depression and emptiness just came back suddenly one night.

It makes me realize and remember that my diagnoses now is different. I no longer just have depression and OCD. I have bipolar disorder. And what was happening with me, I think, was a long high, in terms of cycling. And now I’m at a low again and I feel fucked up and worthless.

My mom says that everyone is fucked up in some way, in an attempt to make me feel better.
I just want to be normal. I just want to feel okay.

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