So, this is my first post since j and I broke up. Today would have been our five month anniversary, although, we never really recognized these monthly anniversaries.
I find myself missing him sometimes. I find myself hating him sometimes. I don’t hate that he broke up with me. I hate that I feel like he used me. I hate that I opened up to him. Ok, so I guess I do hate that he broke up with me A LITTLE BIT. But still.
I’m just an angry, sad girl. My emotions are too high and I exaggerate everything.
Sometimes, I think of why we broke up. I know that I didn’t care for him as much as I did other boyfriends/flings. I think that my internalized racism had something to do with that. It makes me feel bad.
I know I didn’t care for j much and I know he noticed. He once told me that he thought I took him for granted. And I did.
I found myself pushing him away but also wanting him as a friend. But now that we broke up and are supposedly friends, I want nothing to do with him even more than before. Before, I didn’t want to kiss him, touch him, etc. Now, I don’t even want him to look at me.
I am so spiteful sometimes. I can feel this anger towards him boiling inside of me sometimes. I don’t MEAN to be angry. I just am.
I keep having dreams where he is in them. I am equally as angry in my dreams.
Tl;dr: UPDATE: it has not gotten easier.


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