Different backgrounds

Recently, I have been feeling very self conscious around J. I don’t know why. I guess I feel inadequate? I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel like I am good enough for him.
He is so nice and very understanding and I feel like I am the total opposite. I feel like I am so negative and that I am not as “fun” as I was when I first met him. It makes me feel like at any second, he’s going to leave me.
I know that when we first met, he was texting some other girl but then we started talking and we started going out. I always think about that girl. I don’t know what she looks like or what her personality is like. I don’t know if he still texts her. I guess I shouldn’t think about who he texts or talks to because I can’t and don’t want to control him but it also makes me feel insecure. Like, is he talking to other people because they have something I don’t? I don’t even know if he does talk to other people but I just think of these things. Sometimes I think that he might leave me for that girl. Maybe she is more like him.
J and I come from different backgrounds, I think. We were just both raised so differently. Both of his parents work in the orchards around here and while my mom is a nurse and my dad is a brewer/has his own business. I guess I was just raised in an environment where my family thinks that we are better than “other Mexicans.” I know that my parents started at the bottom and worked hard to get where they are now but maybe they were lucky and had more opportunities. They just knew how to play the game.
Although my dad comes from a family similar to J’s, he has adjusted more to an “American lifestyle” and I feel like he is better than most now too.
My family doesn’t listen to mariachi bands or anything. My family listens to maná and Andrea bocelli. And although I don’t feel like I have as much internalized racism as before, it is still there and it sucks because I don’t want to think like that?
I don’t know.
Is this stupid?
I don’t care I guess. I just wanted to say how I’ve been feeling lately.


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